I’m on a seafood diet—I see food and I eat it.#####My bed and I are in a committed relationship.#####I put the “pro” in procrastinate.#####I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.#####I need six months of vacation, twice a year.#####My wallet and I are practicing long-distance love.#####I run on caffeine and questionable decisions.#####My gym membership is just a monthly donation.#####If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.#####I’m multitasking: I can waste time in five tabs.#####I followed my dreams, now I need a nap.#####I tried to be normal once, worst two minutes ever.#####I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.#####I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.#####My plants are thriving; I’m just the assistant.#####I’m late because I didn’t want to be early.#####I work out—does lifting this coffee count?#####I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.#####I have a degree in overthinking.#####I told my alarm to mind its business.#####I’m on a diet of good vibes and bad jokes.#####If I were a morning person, I’d be asleep.#####My brain has too many tabs open.#####I’m just here for the Wi-Fi.#####I can’t adult today; please try again tomorrow.#####I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.#####I came, I saw, I made it awkward.#####I whisper “wow” every time I check my bank account.#####I’m great at advice, terrible at following it.#####I don’t sweat, I sparkle from panic.